We Are a Family of Four (well, almost!)

Elias James was born on Friday September 5, 2014. Since the beginning of his little life, I have been his mama. Perfection!

This whole adoption process had many ups and downs, was quick but expensive, and full of many, many new emotions. But, overall, just so much easier than infertility. Every step we made, we were actually one step closer to bringing our baby home. We kept looking at each other and thinking, "This is too easy!" After many, many, many years of infertility, 2 miscarriages, plenty of surgeries, treatments, medications, ultrasounds, blood draws and tears, adoption was a breath of fresh air.

Ella has been a super, amazing big sister and taking to Eli so quickly. She  just loves him so much and was so ready to have a sibling. The little moments we have all shared are really some of the most joyful I have ever felt. Now that Eli is cooing, smiling and laughing, his favorite person (besides me) is Ella. 

In our state, the birth mother's rights are irrevocable 33 days after birth. We have thankfully passed that milestone and we will finalize sometime before the end of the calendar year and at the same time the birth father's rights will be terminated by publication. 

We have learned so much about the adoption process throughout this last year but overall we are pleased with our agency. Another adoption is probably in our future at some point!

We had Eli baptized in October and it was such a glorious day! I know that I felt incredibly loved by our friends and family and I hope that Eli did, too. 

Gratitude isn't enough of a word to describe my feelings for Eli's birth mother. We are in communication with her and are trying to find a time for a brief visit with her. Our appreciation for each other is mutual which makes everything easier. We are all blessed to have each other. 

On Adoption

My apologies for the lack of posting around here. I just really couldn't put my thoughts into words. Well, I probably still can't, but I'll try.

The adoption is moving along. We are communicating with the birth mother regularly and are planning on meeting her this Friday. Everything on our side of things has been completed for the home-study so we are just waiting to hear that our agency completed their side.

This process has moved very quickly. Faster than I thought it would when we started out. But, this is good for us because we tend to stall on projects that take too long and lose steam. So, the good Lord knows exactly what we need and when we need it.

May and June are typically very busy for us with Mother's Day, DH's birthday, E's birthday and our anniversary. Lots going on every weekend and then there is just the every day kind of stuff. We have the nursery set back up and I just need to get a few small things together for the baby's arrival. We think that delivery date will be the first week in September. It is coming up quickly!

But the one part of adoption that I can't stop thinking and praying about is that this baby is coming into our lives due to the birth mother's sorrowful situation. It is more sorrowful than words that she is placing her baby for adoption and that our joy will come from this. Our journey to parenthood has been so filled with blood, sweat and many, many tears and this situation is no different. It is beautiful that we get to share our sorrow with another woman, the biological mother of our baby. I have been leaning on the Blessed Mother because She really knows sorrow, uncertainty, trust, and complete charity. She knows. Mary Mother of Sorrows, Pray for Us.

E is 4!

We celebrated the Feast of St. Anthony of Padua at the Shrine in Ellicot City, MD. Beautiful Mass, Procession, Adoration, Rosary in the Grotto, and BBQ! 

Favorite Books of 2011

This past year I have read more spiritual books than in my entire life. It was so good. Once reason was because a couple friends and I formed a book group and read some good spiritual books. They were my motivation to keep reading when the reading got tough. Our book discussions weren't all that in depth since we were running after 7 children three and under! Some of these books I read on my own and some with the group. I try to keep tabs on what I am reading on Goodreads, a link to the right. There are so many more I want to read this year, I just need more time!

1. A Story of a Soul by St. Therese: This was my first book about a saint's life that I read. It blew me away. Her humility and devotion to Christ was so inspirational, I should read it again this year.

2. The Apostolate of Holy Motherhood: awesome read. Great for any mother of young children.

3. Humility of Heart by Cejatan de Bergama: Amazing. Knocked me on my, well, you know. I had no idea how my pride could manifest in so many ways.

4. A Mother's Rule of Life by Holly Perliot: By far the best book I have read on motherhood, prayer, and organizing one's day.

5. Trustful Surrender to Divine Providence by Father Jean Baptiste Saint-Jure: Seriously one of the best spiritual reading I have ever read. Made me realize that every.little.thing is God's Divine Plan for my life.

6. Interior Castle by St. Teresa of Avila: This book was difficult to understand at times, but very intense and good description on the phases of one's spiritual life. I realized that I have a very far way to go.

7. Unplanned by Abby Johnson: I highly recommend this book for anyone on the fence about PP or prolife issues. Very inspirational.

PS: If want any other news, please check my private blog. :)

Blogger Meetup and Some Random Thoughts

What a great way to spend a day in Advent and the Feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe!

A and I meet in Emmitsburg MD for a early lunch with the kids, mass at the Grotto and a short walk on the grounds. We had a beautiful time together. I am so thankful for the Internet so that I have been able to meet A and get to know her! She is a beautiful soul! We share so much in common. The Lord provides us friends to show us His Love and Monday I felt showered!


Here is a picture of me and the kids (E was so not cooperating!).

Now for the random thoughts:

1. I have been wearing a veil to mass (novus ordo and Latin mass). It has been an interesting experience to say the least. At first, I hated it. I was so self conscious. I was only thinking of myself, but it made me wrestle with my own pride and learn to love God more. But I am learning to like it (I still don't have a post like my skirt one...). I still feel like an outsider, but I feel more modest. Virtue is a good thing, right? Lord, be patient with me, I am a work in progress.


2. Motherhood is hard. Everyday I wrestle with being truly present to E and loving her more. I am trying to learn to put myself last and do what the Lord in calling me to do in every little situation. I find this so difficult when I want to just talk on the phone, cook dinner, and carry on with my Christmas preparations. But, I remember those Advent seasons without a baby and turn my selfishness into thankfulness for His Blessings in my life.


3. Please pray for peace in my family of origin. Still broken and this Advent season makes it all the more obvious. I am trying my best to just accept the sorrow of this Cross for me and Thank Jesus for it. Sometimes it is just hard.


4. I am having an ultrasound series this cycle. What a great way to spend Advent. So far, 2 dominant follicles and good growth. The next couples days will reveal more.

That's all, hope you are having a Blessed Advent!

Our Day and Prayer Buddy Prayer Request

I love reading other blogger's daily diaries. Since it is midday I thought I would just give a snapshot of the our last 24 hours.

12 noon: drop DH off at the airport, he is going on a retreat at Clear Creek Monastery. Big hug and kiss goodbye. ;(

12:30 PM arrive home and put E down for a nap. Check email, then start making dinner, homemade pieroshki, yum, and talk on the phone to various friends (I talk on the phone way too much.)

3:30 PM get E up from nap, change diaper and feed her in her highchair (yogurt, graham crackers and peaches). Continue to make dinner.

4 PM Pick up friend and her baby and drive to local farmer's market. Buy watermelon, peaches, plums, salad greens, and enjoy the summer air and good convo with friend.

5:20 PM arrive home where my MIL is waiting for us, to play with E and eat dinner. Finnish dinner.

6 PM eat dinner, E wasn't too interested in eating, but drank about 8 ounces of milk and ate a few bites of sweet potato fries and cantaloupe. (This child loves anything orange.)

6:30 PM clean up dinner while MIL plays with E on the deck.

7 PM get E dressed for bed and MIL reads her books. I slip out of the house to meet with some homeschooling moms from my parish at Panera. (I'm not sold on homeschooling but appreciate the fellowship with other moms of like minds and varying ages.) Eat a wonderful cookie and enjoy decaf as well as the convo.

9:45 PM arrive home and chat with MIL some more. She tells me about an article she read in Catholic Digest. :) (Please pray for my MIL to convert, she would make a wonderful Catholic).

10:30 PM check email, read a few articles online. Give myself HcG injection. At least they are subQ now.

11:20 PM get ready for bed, say nightly prayers from Magnificat and go to sleep.

2 AM up to pee, ugh, is it the HcG I'm taking!?!?!

6:20 AM wake up, say morning prayers, take thyroid meds and shower. Clean up some clothing, etc.

7:30 AM get E up, dressed for the day, get her cup of milk and bagel.

8:15 AM drive to daily mass

8:30 AM walk into church, hope E will stay in the pew. At the first reading, she books out to go play with the doors in the back. Oh well.

9:00 AM call friend on way home from mass to arrange to get together today

9:15 AM arrive home, cook eggs for myself and feed E some fruit, juice, a plum and rest of bagel.

9:30 AM call friend chat for 15 minutes and then clean up my desk a little.

10 AM E gets frustrated playing by herself so we read books and play a little

10:45 AM go upstairs, put in a load of laundry, clean up E's room, change her diaper and get her ready for nap

11 AM naptime. ahhhhhhhhh....try to motivate myself to clean up kitchen but get sucked into the computer. Still here at noon. Oh well.

Usually if my DH is home he gets E up and dressed for the day and then goes to work after mass. He usually doesn't arrive home until E is ready for bed and we are reading books. We look forward to the weekends when we are all together. I love being home with E. She is so easy going and fun. I feel incredibly blessed to have friends that also stay home and we can get together during the day. I noticed that I am pretty social, I like my alone time, but love hanging out with friends and meeting new ones.

Prayer buddy: Please pray for my family of origin. My dad is very ill and they are all in desperate need of conversion. Lord have mercy on us all.

Siblings in Heaven

Ella at 13 months and Hannah Grace (Baby Sew) at 8 months

It has been almost 2 weeks since I learned that I miscarried. I have had many ups and downs emotionally and physically. Losing a baby is never an easy experience, whether one anticipates it or not.

I feel waves of sorrow wash over me daily. As time passes by, the waves are less, but at times I am still surprised how intense they can be. I feel a bond with other women that have lost babies, its mainly a feeling that can't be described. Being open to life has its consequences, and the chance that a baby dies is one of them. I know it is not what God intends for motherhood, but He brings good out of every situation. Learning to thank Jesus for the pain and suffering and uniting my heart with His Mother's has been a very intense gift through my grieving.

At times I feel guilty for feeling so sad because I know the depths of pain that infertility can cause one that struggles. With a miscarriage, I know that the grief will eventually subside, but with infertility, the grief goes on. The not knowing process of infertility was very purgative for me. I really struggle with the unknown and now knowing my baby is with the Lord, it seems a little easier.

So, how does one explain to a living child that she has a sibling in heaven? I have friends that pray with their living children for their deceased children and other friends don't mention it. I'm not sure what my husband and I will do, but I do know that I don't want to ever forget this baby that we lost, who will never know his or her older sister's laugh and joyful personality. But, I do hope and pray that he or she knows that from conception we loved him or her.

Possibly a Valentine's Baby

Yes, I am expecting our second child. Its amazing. A miracle. After almost 6 years of infertility, we conceived the first month of active trying. Praise God!

But, I don't feel that I am Scott free yet. I am on progesterone injections and nightly prometrium. My first ultrasound was entirely convincing of no problems, there was a heartbeat but the dates weren't quite right. So, tomorrow I should be about 8 weeks. I have another ultrasound Monday morning to check things out again, so please say a little prayer.

That brings me to the possibly Valentine's Baby. By my calculations, I should be due around February 21st, but if I have another big baby, maybe I can go and just have another section a week early. Wishful thinking, huh? Well, it makes for a good title.

The Heart of a Mother

Something has innately changed inside me since becoming a mother. I am softer. I cry more easily. Those that abuse life or don't appreciate it made me sad. I speak the Truth for the sake of my daughter. Oh, the grace that has flowed from Christ.

Last week, I got news that 1 baby died in utero at 16 weeks, 1 baby (that is a twin) will most likely die in utero in a few weeks, and 1 baby has a cyst on his brain. My heart is still bleeding. I cry and pray daily for these mothers and their babies. I try to listen to the mothers with a understanding and compassionate heart. I know that Christ can heal them and bring about goodness through their suffering.

Through my suffering with infertility, I felt so isolated. At times, I hardened my heart to protect it. It was through Christ's love, I was able to pray for a softer heart. He provided this for me. I am still working on making my heart soft at times, though.

I am sure many of you that have not become mothers yet already have the heart of a mother. I have met some of you personally and am in awe of the softness of your hearts. You are so blessed to be this way already and I am sure you know the graces of a soft heart.

Sweet Baby, Where Are You?

Ok, so don't feel bad for me, please. But, I am just sayin' that little Miss E can become a miserable little baby. She is cutting a tooth, has a runny nose and a cough. This makes her not sleep well, not eat well, and be generally miserable all the time. Seriously, people would say to me that I have no idea how lucky I am. And I probably don't. Our baby is so wonderful, easy going, and delightful. But it seems like she just can't deal right now.

Of course, I have to look at this from a spiritual standpoint. The evil one always likes to kick me when I am down. I have had a completely dry cycle, horrible PMS, insomnia, anxiety, and some other special suffering that I don't really want public so the evil one knows when just to send some more frustration my way.

So I am trying something new.

For Lent, I have been upping my evening prayers, going to daily mass, saying the rosary weekly, and getting to adoration at least once a week. Plus, all the nice little suffering I mentioned above allows me be keenly aware of my emotional and physical weakness. Instead of trying to pray it away, exercise it away or talk it all away, I am trying to just give into it. Unite with Christ's sufferings. Let it purify me. So, when I feel my next tense up, my gut wrench, and my brow furrow, I take deep breath and say, "Thank you Jesus for the pain and suffering."

But, man is it hard. I'll let you know how I make out. And if you could, just say a little prayer for me. Thanks!

The Fan Club

Today my friend invited me to see her daughters in their high school musical, Once Upon a Mattress. It was a great show, very entertaining and wonderful talent! I was so honored that she asked me to go and see her girls perform. She was so proud of them, only how a mother could be. Actually, she was bursting with pride. It was awesome to see how much she loves her girls. My friend has a great balance of keeping the communication open with her girls and leading them in the right directions. It is great to see their beautiful relationship.

I know that it will be a matter of no time before I am watching my daughter showcase her talents. Who knows what they will be, but I know that I will be her biggest fan. There is so much love in my heart for her, love like I have never known. But for now, I will relish the quiet moments what I rock her in the dark and kiss her forehead.

My friend and I were reflecting that watching children grow is so exciting and fun. There is something new all the time and we are in awe of God's goodness to us. He has allowed us to be a part of His creation and we are eternally thankful.

The Best Years of My Life

After reading Elizabeth Hannah's article at Inside Catholic, I was inspired and introspective.

When I was in high school, I had the assumption that those years were the best years of my life. I agree that they were fun and filled with great and character building experiences, like marching band, sports, dances, and youth group. But, many times I felt unfulfilled. I experienced many heartbreaks and felt lonely because I didn't have a large group of friends. My dad would try to comfort me and say that I would make my life long friends in college.

My undergrad years where also filled with fun, learning, personal and spiritual growth, and travel. I also was blessed to meet my husband right after college. However, I recall many lonely times there as well. My dad was right, I met some life long friends there (and a life long spouse!).

Now, finally a mother after years and years of waiting for children, I feel fulfilled. I believe that these are the best years of my life, caring for my daughter and husband. I spent many years in a health education career and many years studying for it. There were times I felt really good about helping adolescents and families, but nothing like I feel caring for my own family.

I have fun everyday-hearing my 8 month old daughter laugh and learn new things, having a relaxing dinner with my husband after she is asleep, and meeting new friends and cherishing old friendships. I also find solace in caring for my home, right down to washing cloth diapers. Now, not everyday is so blissful-we have had sleepless nights, marital spats, and a teething baby. But, for the mostpart, I really feel like I have finally arrived. My high school and college self would have never expected to be so happy in the ordinary.

Barf-O-Roma

Did you see that scene from the movie Stand By Me? Well, that is what has been going through our little family and my extended family. We went to visit family and I thought that they were over this "noro" virus, but not so much.

Saturday night, the baby threw up like 8 times (once all over my husband) and then in the middle of the night, my husband got really sick, too. It was awful! I felt so bad for him, it is so hard being sick away from home. He was a real trooper, though.

The baby isn't eating food like she used to, but I think she is still under the weather a little. I am just so grateful that I didn't get this bug this time around. So, I was able to serve my family and be there for them.

Motherhood always has such unforeseen opportunities for sanctification.

Friends are Good for the Soul

We just got back from a visit with a great college friend. She has 3 kiddos 5 and under and her baby is just 2 months older than Ella.

When she told me she was pregnant (for the third time), I was truly happy for her, even though she wasn't so sure she could handle another baby at the time. Then, when I was finally pregnant, she was so happy for me and seemed to know more about my pregnancy than her own! I remember her calling me on Thanksgiving, 2009, and telling me her baby was a girl. I called her, "God's Plan baby." She is truly a gift from God.

During my drive home, I was reflecting on myself and how I have grown. I have visited this friend for many years before and after she had children. After each of her boys, I would visit and help out. I truly loved it and felt at those times I could put my infertility aside and just be there for my friend. Now, I knew just where to pitch in and assist with the caring of the children, dinner, and picking up. It was so great to be a part of her daily routine and also help out. Plus, we could sit and chat and have a cup of coffee!

I feel so refreshed. I feel calm and taken care of. I just love talking with her, we can just dive right in, since we know each other so well. Having a close friend is truly a God given gift.

I feel that he has truly blessed our friendship and know that He will for years to come and also the friendship of our little girls!

Practice

We just got home today from visiting my family. Last Wednesday, I got to spend a few hours with my 3 year old nephew and my little E. My sister had to work and so was everyone else in my family! But, I feel like it was good practice for if someday we are blessed with another.

It was freezing here in PA on Wednesday, but I had to take the kiddos for a walk anyway! So we all bundled up, little E in a snowsuit and the Bjorn and my nephew in the stroller. We literally had to walk up a hill that was like a mile to get to the main drag in my mom's town. But my destination was just perfect, a kid's consignment store! It was so great! Toys for my nephew and cute clothes to buy. Needless to say, I had to take off the baby and my coat because I was soaked with sweat, but it was so fun. I had to buy a hat for little E that tied underneath and mittens for my nephew. We then walked down to the library where I fed the baby a bottle and read a few books to my nephew. I thought little E would fall asleep in the Bjorn on the walk home (which thankfully was downhill!), but no way. She just would look up at my and say, "BA!" It was kind of funny.

We had a grand time. But, I wasn't supermom because my nephew got waffles for dinner. Oh, well!

Dying to Self

I am so inspired by Sew's post! I am also being called to die to myself daily and it is so hard!

I do have a funny story about trying to get my haircut at the salon. Oh, the vanity!

I took baby E with me, making an appointment for a time when I thought that she would be pleasant. Not so much! She was tired on the way there and was yawning when we got there. She hung out in her car seat during the hair wash but started to get fussy when I got back the chair. I took her out and she had the biggest poop ever! So, I took her back to the restroom to change her before my cut. She totally screamed then proceeded to pee all over the floor, her onesie and the dry diaper I was trying to put on her. I got her cleaned up (but didn't have any extra clothes). We got back the chair and I held her for awhile but then when it got time for the blow dry, she screamed again. I got a partial dry and tried to pay as fast as I could and just get out of there! What a waste of $30.

Okay, I get it, don't take baby to the salon! I have a feelers out for a sitter and hope to get something established a couple days a month for a couple hours so I can do appointments like this without baby. I can't really rely on my husband because his hours are so long and during his early days I am trying to work a little. I guess I am a slow learner!

Life as definitely slowed down since having baby E. She brings a calmness to our household and a regular schedule. It feels so good. For the most part, we are a happy family. Some days are harder than others (or weeks, baby E got up at 5 AM for 7 days in a row). Having her in our lives has helped us to weed our the unnecessary things and events in our lives. We are trying to make decisions on what is best for our little family and those other activities will just have to wait.

Maintaining Perspective

Maintaining perspective has always been something that has been difficult for me. As a child, I had a temper that wasn't always pleasant. Then, the teens years brought horrible mood swings, acne, heartbreak, and constant feelings of being left out. College life had its own frustration and heartache as well as my young adulthood. It is fascinating to me how during the goods times that I don't believe that life will always be good. It is during those challenging times, I think, will last forever.

Now, motherhood has been challenging me to learn to do this better. To think that that the good times will be ongoing. But, it is those difficult times, I would not be able to cope with.

Case in point, when sleep training our little one-will she always cry when I put her down in her crib? When, I was nursing her, I would think, "will she ever be happy when eating?" At the end of pregnancy, it was so hard to maintain perspective when faced with the swollen and aching feet and never ending insomnia.

The truth is that the Lord is always using new situations to show me how to maintain perspective and keep my eyes towards heaven. It is so hard sometimes, but it does bring me consolation knowing that He has glorious plans for me.

Are You Working?

I get this question everytime I am out in public with little Ella. My comment is "no, I stay home." I have the privledge of being home with her full time. I am so humbled and honored that I get to do this. It is interesting to me how people react to me. Some career women don't have anything to say to me. Some comment, "That is how it should be" and others just say, "good for you." I read somewhere that only 10% of women stay home. How surprising! I am sure there are many reasons for this.

Staying home with Ella is a very fulfilling experience for me. As a young professional, before having Ella, I was conflicted on whether or not I would go back to work. Maybe if I had had children when I was younger, I might have wanted to continue to work. But, for now, I am completely content being at home with Ella.

Yesterday at mass, I saw a school nurse that I used to work with, and she was the first one to ask me, "So, do you get to stay home?" And, this was the best way someone has asked me yet.

It has been way to long and Small Successes

Sorry all for not posting on this side. I have been updating on my private blog, Finding Joy in Every Journey but not over here. I am going to intend in posting here about all things relating to motherhood.

So first with Small Successes!

1. Offering today up to Our Lord and the Blessed Mother. I said a brief prayer before getting out of bed and am going to really try to do this everyday. I also plan on saying my prayers in the Magnificat each evening before bed.
2. Not stressing about being the perfect mother. I really want to the best for my dear 6 month old daughter Ella, but also not be something that I am not. So today, I got great deal on baby food at Babies 'R U.S and didn't care that I'm not making my own. Ella doesn't mind and is healthy!
3. I am going to write 2 thank you notes today. I am so behind in thank you's for gifts from Ella and really need to get them done!