God's Mercy

Reflecting on my second miscarriage, I can't help but believe that this is God' Mercy for me.

Let me explain. Throughout my short life I have encountered many sufferings. But, looking back, I realize that with each suffering, the Lord is calling me back to Him. He knows me. He knows that I tend to wander when comfortable. I get quite lazy. I slow down my prayer. I got to daily mass less. But, when suffering and in pain, I call out to Him. I pray more. I seek Him more.

Through suffering, I realize that I am not God. I do not know all. I cannot do all. Therefore, suffering is really God's Mercy for me. Just like the Cross. He could have stopped the suffering. But, He allowed it. Jesus modeled perfect obedience and Mary also modeled perfect emotional suffering to model how we should live. It is such a hard, hard way of life, but one that leads to peace. (And hopefully Heaven!).

After this second miscarriage, I have a strange peace. I don't get those twinges of jealousy of friends that are still pregnant. Or those that pregnant so easily. Now, I did cry about not being able to share this special time with my friends when I realized that I was miscarrying, but since then, no anger or jealousy. This is only by the Grace of God. And His Blessed Mother.

Pa Rum Pum Pum Pum

This Advent has been purifying to say the least. Many times, I have been called to stop, reflect, and just plain die to myself.

One way has been to read "The Little Drummer Boy" multiple times a day when E says, "BOY!" This carol has given me ample time to reflect on Christ.

The humble drummer boy goes when he is called to visit the Christ Child. He goes. He doesn't ask why or grumble or drag his feet. He just goes. When it is his turn to honor the Baby Jesus, he sympathizes with His Humilty, and then offers the gift of himself. First, he asks Mary if he can play for the Baby, She nods, and then he plays his best.

The humility of the little boy gets me every time. I can't read/sing this for little E without tears running down my face. I have so far to go in stepping out in faith for Jesus. I want to have faith like a child but I fail multiple times, I constantly think I know better. When I should just say yes, offer myself and my own gifts for Him, daily. Oh, and do my best. My own wants, desires, and thoughts get in the way all the time when I should just say "yes" and do what He wants. Which is to love Him through loving those around me, dying to myself, and giving my best.

My heart is hollow, I am at a place where I am yearning for the Lord. May He come into my heart this Christmas so I may love others like He wants me to. Amen.

Blogger Meetup and Some Random Thoughts

What a great way to spend a day in Advent and the Feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe!

A and I meet in Emmitsburg MD for a early lunch with the kids, mass at the Grotto and a short walk on the grounds. We had a beautiful time together. I am so thankful for the Internet so that I have been able to meet A and get to know her! She is a beautiful soul! We share so much in common. The Lord provides us friends to show us His Love and Monday I felt showered!


Here is a picture of me and the kids (E was so not cooperating!).

Now for the random thoughts:

1. I have been wearing a veil to mass (novus ordo and Latin mass). It has been an interesting experience to say the least. At first, I hated it. I was so self conscious. I was only thinking of myself, but it made me wrestle with my own pride and learn to love God more. But I am learning to like it (I still don't have a post like my skirt one...). I still feel like an outsider, but I feel more modest. Virtue is a good thing, right? Lord, be patient with me, I am a work in progress.


2. Motherhood is hard. Everyday I wrestle with being truly present to E and loving her more. I am trying to learn to put myself last and do what the Lord in calling me to do in every little situation. I find this so difficult when I want to just talk on the phone, cook dinner, and carry on with my Christmas preparations. But, I remember those Advent seasons without a baby and turn my selfishness into thankfulness for His Blessings in my life.


3. Please pray for peace in my family of origin. Still broken and this Advent season makes it all the more obvious. I am trying my best to just accept the sorrow of this Cross for me and Thank Jesus for it. Sometimes it is just hard.


4. I am having an ultrasound series this cycle. What a great way to spend Advent. So far, 2 dominant follicles and good growth. The next couples days will reveal more.

That's all, hope you are having a Blessed Advent!

Our Day and Prayer Buddy Prayer Request

I love reading other blogger's daily diaries. Since it is midday I thought I would just give a snapshot of the our last 24 hours.

12 noon: drop DH off at the airport, he is going on a retreat at Clear Creek Monastery. Big hug and kiss goodbye. ;(

12:30 PM arrive home and put E down for a nap. Check email, then start making dinner, homemade pieroshki, yum, and talk on the phone to various friends (I talk on the phone way too much.)

3:30 PM get E up from nap, change diaper and feed her in her highchair (yogurt, graham crackers and peaches). Continue to make dinner.

4 PM Pick up friend and her baby and drive to local farmer's market. Buy watermelon, peaches, plums, salad greens, and enjoy the summer air and good convo with friend.

5:20 PM arrive home where my MIL is waiting for us, to play with E and eat dinner. Finnish dinner.

6 PM eat dinner, E wasn't too interested in eating, but drank about 8 ounces of milk and ate a few bites of sweet potato fries and cantaloupe. (This child loves anything orange.)

6:30 PM clean up dinner while MIL plays with E on the deck.

7 PM get E dressed for bed and MIL reads her books. I slip out of the house to meet with some homeschooling moms from my parish at Panera. (I'm not sold on homeschooling but appreciate the fellowship with other moms of like minds and varying ages.) Eat a wonderful cookie and enjoy decaf as well as the convo.

9:45 PM arrive home and chat with MIL some more. She tells me about an article she read in Catholic Digest. :) (Please pray for my MIL to convert, she would make a wonderful Catholic).

10:30 PM check email, read a few articles online. Give myself HcG injection. At least they are subQ now.

11:20 PM get ready for bed, say nightly prayers from Magnificat and go to sleep.

2 AM up to pee, ugh, is it the HcG I'm taking!?!?!

6:20 AM wake up, say morning prayers, take thyroid meds and shower. Clean up some clothing, etc.

7:30 AM get E up, dressed for the day, get her cup of milk and bagel.

8:15 AM drive to daily mass

8:30 AM walk into church, hope E will stay in the pew. At the first reading, she books out to go play with the doors in the back. Oh well.

9:00 AM call friend on way home from mass to arrange to get together today

9:15 AM arrive home, cook eggs for myself and feed E some fruit, juice, a plum and rest of bagel.

9:30 AM call friend chat for 15 minutes and then clean up my desk a little.

10 AM E gets frustrated playing by herself so we read books and play a little

10:45 AM go upstairs, put in a load of laundry, clean up E's room, change her diaper and get her ready for nap

11 AM naptime. ahhhhhhhhh....try to motivate myself to clean up kitchen but get sucked into the computer. Still here at noon. Oh well.

Usually if my DH is home he gets E up and dressed for the day and then goes to work after mass. He usually doesn't arrive home until E is ready for bed and we are reading books. We look forward to the weekends when we are all together. I love being home with E. She is so easy going and fun. I feel incredibly blessed to have friends that also stay home and we can get together during the day. I noticed that I am pretty social, I like my alone time, but love hanging out with friends and meeting new ones.

Prayer buddy: Please pray for my family of origin. My dad is very ill and they are all in desperate need of conversion. Lord have mercy on us all.

The Heart of a Mother

Something has innately changed inside me since becoming a mother. I am softer. I cry more easily. Those that abuse life or don't appreciate it made me sad. I speak the Truth for the sake of my daughter. Oh, the grace that has flowed from Christ.

Last week, I got news that 1 baby died in utero at 16 weeks, 1 baby (that is a twin) will most likely die in utero in a few weeks, and 1 baby has a cyst on his brain. My heart is still bleeding. I cry and pray daily for these mothers and their babies. I try to listen to the mothers with a understanding and compassionate heart. I know that Christ can heal them and bring about goodness through their suffering.

Through my suffering with infertility, I felt so isolated. At times, I hardened my heart to protect it. It was through Christ's love, I was able to pray for a softer heart. He provided this for me. I am still working on making my heart soft at times, though.

I am sure many of you that have not become mothers yet already have the heart of a mother. I have met some of you personally and am in awe of the softness of your hearts. You are so blessed to be this way already and I am sure you know the graces of a soft heart.

Sweet Baby, Where Are You?

Ok, so don't feel bad for me, please. But, I am just sayin' that little Miss E can become a miserable little baby. She is cutting a tooth, has a runny nose and a cough. This makes her not sleep well, not eat well, and be generally miserable all the time. Seriously, people would say to me that I have no idea how lucky I am. And I probably don't. Our baby is so wonderful, easy going, and delightful. But it seems like she just can't deal right now.

Of course, I have to look at this from a spiritual standpoint. The evil one always likes to kick me when I am down. I have had a completely dry cycle, horrible PMS, insomnia, anxiety, and some other special suffering that I don't really want public so the evil one knows when just to send some more frustration my way.

So I am trying something new.

For Lent, I have been upping my evening prayers, going to daily mass, saying the rosary weekly, and getting to adoration at least once a week. Plus, all the nice little suffering I mentioned above allows me be keenly aware of my emotional and physical weakness. Instead of trying to pray it away, exercise it away or talk it all away, I am trying to just give into it. Unite with Christ's sufferings. Let it purify me. So, when I feel my next tense up, my gut wrench, and my brow furrow, I take deep breath and say, "Thank you Jesus for the pain and suffering."

But, man is it hard. I'll let you know how I make out. And if you could, just say a little prayer for me. Thanks!

Dying to Self

I am so inspired by Sew's post! I am also being called to die to myself daily and it is so hard!

I do have a funny story about trying to get my haircut at the salon. Oh, the vanity!

I took baby E with me, making an appointment for a time when I thought that she would be pleasant. Not so much! She was tired on the way there and was yawning when we got there. She hung out in her car seat during the hair wash but started to get fussy when I got back the chair. I took her out and she had the biggest poop ever! So, I took her back to the restroom to change her before my cut. She totally screamed then proceeded to pee all over the floor, her onesie and the dry diaper I was trying to put on her. I got her cleaned up (but didn't have any extra clothes). We got back the chair and I held her for awhile but then when it got time for the blow dry, she screamed again. I got a partial dry and tried to pay as fast as I could and just get out of there! What a waste of $30.

Okay, I get it, don't take baby to the salon! I have a feelers out for a sitter and hope to get something established a couple days a month for a couple hours so I can do appointments like this without baby. I can't really rely on my husband because his hours are so long and during his early days I am trying to work a little. I guess I am a slow learner!

Life as definitely slowed down since having baby E. She brings a calmness to our household and a regular schedule. It feels so good. For the most part, we are a happy family. Some days are harder than others (or weeks, baby E got up at 5 AM for 7 days in a row). Having her in our lives has helped us to weed our the unnecessary things and events in our lives. We are trying to make decisions on what is best for our little family and those other activities will just have to wait.

Maintaining Perspective

Maintaining perspective has always been something that has been difficult for me. As a child, I had a temper that wasn't always pleasant. Then, the teens years brought horrible mood swings, acne, heartbreak, and constant feelings of being left out. College life had its own frustration and heartache as well as my young adulthood. It is fascinating to me how during the goods times that I don't believe that life will always be good. It is during those challenging times, I think, will last forever.

Now, motherhood has been challenging me to learn to do this better. To think that that the good times will be ongoing. But, it is those difficult times, I would not be able to cope with.

Case in point, when sleep training our little one-will she always cry when I put her down in her crib? When, I was nursing her, I would think, "will she ever be happy when eating?" At the end of pregnancy, it was so hard to maintain perspective when faced with the swollen and aching feet and never ending insomnia.

The truth is that the Lord is always using new situations to show me how to maintain perspective and keep my eyes towards heaven. It is so hard sometimes, but it does bring me consolation knowing that He has glorious plans for me.