On Adoption

My apologies for the lack of posting around here. I just really couldn't put my thoughts into words. Well, I probably still can't, but I'll try.

The adoption is moving along. We are communicating with the birth mother regularly and are planning on meeting her this Friday. Everything on our side of things has been completed for the home-study so we are just waiting to hear that our agency completed their side.

This process has moved very quickly. Faster than I thought it would when we started out. But, this is good for us because we tend to stall on projects that take too long and lose steam. So, the good Lord knows exactly what we need and when we need it.

May and June are typically very busy for us with Mother's Day, DH's birthday, E's birthday and our anniversary. Lots going on every weekend and then there is just the every day kind of stuff. We have the nursery set back up and I just need to get a few small things together for the baby's arrival. We think that delivery date will be the first week in September. It is coming up quickly!

But the one part of adoption that I can't stop thinking and praying about is that this baby is coming into our lives due to the birth mother's sorrowful situation. It is more sorrowful than words that she is placing her baby for adoption and that our joy will come from this. Our journey to parenthood has been so filled with blood, sweat and many, many tears and this situation is no different. It is beautiful that we get to share our sorrow with another woman, the biological mother of our baby. I have been leaning on the Blessed Mother because She really knows sorrow, uncertainty, trust, and complete charity. She knows. Mary Mother of Sorrows, Pray for Us.

E is 4!

We celebrated the Feast of St. Anthony of Padua at the Shrine in Ellicot City, MD. Beautiful Mass, Procession, Adoration, Rosary in the Grotto, and BBQ! 

Farewell Summer, Hello Autumn

This summer was quite eventful for our little family. We took some great trips, Little E turned 2, we gardened, we canned, we said goodbye to good friends, relaxed, and just enjoyed the summer weather.

Some of my favorite parts of this summer were watching Little E jump into the pool with pure joy on her face, winning blue ribbons at the county fair for my canned goods, spending time with extended family, meeting new friends at our new TLM parish, attending outdoor concerts, blogger meetups, and resting in our outdoor hammock with my DH.

My least favorite parts were Little E breaking her elbow, getting more medical treatments, and melting in the 100 degree weather. And of course not having another little one to celebrate.

But most of all, we made some great memories and grew together as a family. Here are some pictures that capture the season.

Little E at our favorite CSA farm

Our bum arms (E's splint and my IV set up for the treatments)

Blue ribbon relish and other cans I made

My fav family pic from VT

Little E and the hubs at a July 4th outdoor symphony concert

I am looking forward to Autumn with apple festivals, a home school preschool co-op, enjoying the cooler weather, a family wedding, and preparations for the holidays. The fall always brings renewed hope for me, I don't know if it was the promise of a new school year, looking forward to holidays, or that good things have happened to me in the fall. Either way, I am hopeful and thankful.

The March for Life

On Monday, my husband, daughter and I attended the March for Life in Washington DC. It was so powerful. This was my first time.

We met friends, E and P at Au Bon Pain for lunch and then headed over to the Mall. It was so muddy and wet, but we saw many signs and people there. We couldn't hear or see the rally and then it started to rain really hard so we went into the Smithsonian. (Plus, little E was freaking out). Close to 1:30 PM we went out towards the street and moved towards where the crowd was gathering. There was lots of chanting and praying going on. As we got closer, we realized that we were at the front.

We watched some the marchers go by and then Little E started to freak out and wanted out of the stroller. DH tried to hold her but she was shouting for me. So I picked her up and then a sister in a blue habit stopped by and talked to E. She stopped crying and the sister gave her a blue prayer shawl and asked us to prayer for her and she said she would pray for us. I asked her what her name was and she said Mother Olga of the Daughters of Mary of Nazareth. Her shawl warmed E the rest of the march. We got into the march and E wouldn't let DH hold her nor would she ride in the stroller. I held her most of the way except when she wanted to walk a little. She wasn't not going to walk during her first March for Life!

As we were marching, I kept thinking of all the babies that have died through the massacre of abortion and just how incredibly sorrowful this is. I was tearing up most of the March. Here I was carrying my 19 month old and a 7 week old baby in my belly and I would walk the entire March in my hands to keep this baby in my womb, but some mothers "choose" to stop their baby's beating heart. Such a tragedy in our society.

We walked with the other marchers almost to the Supreme Court and then headed back to Union Station to get the Metro home.

We are so thankful to our friends M and A for hosting us before and after the March. We had a wonderful meal together and our babies played together. They are such gracious hosts and have a warm and inviting home.

Pa Rum Pum Pum Pum

This Advent has been purifying to say the least. Many times, I have been called to stop, reflect, and just plain die to myself.

One way has been to read "The Little Drummer Boy" multiple times a day when E says, "BOY!" This carol has given me ample time to reflect on Christ.

The humble drummer boy goes when he is called to visit the Christ Child. He goes. He doesn't ask why or grumble or drag his feet. He just goes. When it is his turn to honor the Baby Jesus, he sympathizes with His Humilty, and then offers the gift of himself. First, he asks Mary if he can play for the Baby, She nods, and then he plays his best.

The humility of the little boy gets me every time. I can't read/sing this for little E without tears running down my face. I have so far to go in stepping out in faith for Jesus. I want to have faith like a child but I fail multiple times, I constantly think I know better. When I should just say yes, offer myself and my own gifts for Him, daily. Oh, and do my best. My own wants, desires, and thoughts get in the way all the time when I should just say "yes" and do what He wants. Which is to love Him through loving those around me, dying to myself, and giving my best.

My heart is hollow, I am at a place where I am yearning for the Lord. May He come into my heart this Christmas so I may love others like He wants me to. Amen.

Blogger Meetup and Some Random Thoughts

What a great way to spend a day in Advent and the Feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe!

A and I meet in Emmitsburg MD for a early lunch with the kids, mass at the Grotto and a short walk on the grounds. We had a beautiful time together. I am so thankful for the Internet so that I have been able to meet A and get to know her! She is a beautiful soul! We share so much in common. The Lord provides us friends to show us His Love and Monday I felt showered!


Here is a picture of me and the kids (E was so not cooperating!).

Now for the random thoughts:

1. I have been wearing a veil to mass (novus ordo and Latin mass). It has been an interesting experience to say the least. At first, I hated it. I was so self conscious. I was only thinking of myself, but it made me wrestle with my own pride and learn to love God more. But I am learning to like it (I still don't have a post like my skirt one...). I still feel like an outsider, but I feel more modest. Virtue is a good thing, right? Lord, be patient with me, I am a work in progress.


2. Motherhood is hard. Everyday I wrestle with being truly present to E and loving her more. I am trying to learn to put myself last and do what the Lord in calling me to do in every little situation. I find this so difficult when I want to just talk on the phone, cook dinner, and carry on with my Christmas preparations. But, I remember those Advent seasons without a baby and turn my selfishness into thankfulness for His Blessings in my life.


3. Please pray for peace in my family of origin. Still broken and this Advent season makes it all the more obvious. I am trying my best to just accept the sorrow of this Cross for me and Thank Jesus for it. Sometimes it is just hard.


4. I am having an ultrasound series this cycle. What a great way to spend Advent. So far, 2 dominant follicles and good growth. The next couples days will reveal more.

That's all, hope you are having a Blessed Advent!

Happy Feast of the Archangels and Prayer Buddy Reveal

Happy Feast of the Archangels! We had a wonderful day, attended mass this morning (where E gave us loud kisses at the sign of peace!), met with a priest for some direction, and had a wonderful dinner with some great friends. We celebrated with deviled eggs and homemade fudge sauce and whipped cream! So wonderful!

My prayer buddy was R at Shoved to Them. She is so amazing, her faith is inspiring as well as her honesty and humility. She was remembered in my daily prayers, prayers at mass on Sunday and weekdays and rosary intentions. I even said a special prayer for her at the chapel at the Grotto of Our Lady of Lourdes in Emmitsburg MD. I was so inspired by her story and how she handled the many sufferings in her life since we share some similar ones. May God continue to bless you, R!

Siblings in Heaven

Ella at 13 months and Hannah Grace (Baby Sew) at 8 months

It has been almost 2 weeks since I learned that I miscarried. I have had many ups and downs emotionally and physically. Losing a baby is never an easy experience, whether one anticipates it or not.

I feel waves of sorrow wash over me daily. As time passes by, the waves are less, but at times I am still surprised how intense they can be. I feel a bond with other women that have lost babies, its mainly a feeling that can't be described. Being open to life has its consequences, and the chance that a baby dies is one of them. I know it is not what God intends for motherhood, but He brings good out of every situation. Learning to thank Jesus for the pain and suffering and uniting my heart with His Mother's has been a very intense gift through my grieving.

At times I feel guilty for feeling so sad because I know the depths of pain that infertility can cause one that struggles. With a miscarriage, I know that the grief will eventually subside, but with infertility, the grief goes on. The not knowing process of infertility was very purgative for me. I really struggle with the unknown and now knowing my baby is with the Lord, it seems a little easier.

So, how does one explain to a living child that she has a sibling in heaven? I have friends that pray with their living children for their deceased children and other friends don't mention it. I'm not sure what my husband and I will do, but I do know that I don't want to ever forget this baby that we lost, who will never know his or her older sister's laugh and joyful personality. But, I do hope and pray that he or she knows that from conception we loved him or her.

Sweet Baby, Where Are You?

Ok, so don't feel bad for me, please. But, I am just sayin' that little Miss E can become a miserable little baby. She is cutting a tooth, has a runny nose and a cough. This makes her not sleep well, not eat well, and be generally miserable all the time. Seriously, people would say to me that I have no idea how lucky I am. And I probably don't. Our baby is so wonderful, easy going, and delightful. But it seems like she just can't deal right now.

Of course, I have to look at this from a spiritual standpoint. The evil one always likes to kick me when I am down. I have had a completely dry cycle, horrible PMS, insomnia, anxiety, and some other special suffering that I don't really want public so the evil one knows when just to send some more frustration my way.

So I am trying something new.

For Lent, I have been upping my evening prayers, going to daily mass, saying the rosary weekly, and getting to adoration at least once a week. Plus, all the nice little suffering I mentioned above allows me be keenly aware of my emotional and physical weakness. Instead of trying to pray it away, exercise it away or talk it all away, I am trying to just give into it. Unite with Christ's sufferings. Let it purify me. So, when I feel my next tense up, my gut wrench, and my brow furrow, I take deep breath and say, "Thank you Jesus for the pain and suffering."

But, man is it hard. I'll let you know how I make out. And if you could, just say a little prayer for me. Thanks!

Barf-O-Roma

Did you see that scene from the movie Stand By Me? Well, that is what has been going through our little family and my extended family. We went to visit family and I thought that they were over this "noro" virus, but not so much.

Saturday night, the baby threw up like 8 times (once all over my husband) and then in the middle of the night, my husband got really sick, too. It was awful! I felt so bad for him, it is so hard being sick away from home. He was a real trooper, though.

The baby isn't eating food like she used to, but I think she is still under the weather a little. I am just so grateful that I didn't get this bug this time around. So, I was able to serve my family and be there for them.

Motherhood always has such unforeseen opportunities for sanctification.

Friends are Good for the Soul

We just got back from a visit with a great college friend. She has 3 kiddos 5 and under and her baby is just 2 months older than Ella.

When she told me she was pregnant (for the third time), I was truly happy for her, even though she wasn't so sure she could handle another baby at the time. Then, when I was finally pregnant, she was so happy for me and seemed to know more about my pregnancy than her own! I remember her calling me on Thanksgiving, 2009, and telling me her baby was a girl. I called her, "God's Plan baby." She is truly a gift from God.

During my drive home, I was reflecting on myself and how I have grown. I have visited this friend for many years before and after she had children. After each of her boys, I would visit and help out. I truly loved it and felt at those times I could put my infertility aside and just be there for my friend. Now, I knew just where to pitch in and assist with the caring of the children, dinner, and picking up. It was so great to be a part of her daily routine and also help out. Plus, we could sit and chat and have a cup of coffee!

I feel so refreshed. I feel calm and taken care of. I just love talking with her, we can just dive right in, since we know each other so well. Having a close friend is truly a God given gift.

I feel that he has truly blessed our friendship and know that He will for years to come and also the friendship of our little girls!

Practice

We just got home today from visiting my family. Last Wednesday, I got to spend a few hours with my 3 year old nephew and my little E. My sister had to work and so was everyone else in my family! But, I feel like it was good practice for if someday we are blessed with another.

It was freezing here in PA on Wednesday, but I had to take the kiddos for a walk anyway! So we all bundled up, little E in a snowsuit and the Bjorn and my nephew in the stroller. We literally had to walk up a hill that was like a mile to get to the main drag in my mom's town. But my destination was just perfect, a kid's consignment store! It was so great! Toys for my nephew and cute clothes to buy. Needless to say, I had to take off the baby and my coat because I was soaked with sweat, but it was so fun. I had to buy a hat for little E that tied underneath and mittens for my nephew. We then walked down to the library where I fed the baby a bottle and read a few books to my nephew. I thought little E would fall asleep in the Bjorn on the walk home (which thankfully was downhill!), but no way. She just would look up at my and say, "BA!" It was kind of funny.

We had a grand time. But, I wasn't supermom because my nephew got waffles for dinner. Oh, well!

Dying to Self

I am so inspired by Sew's post! I am also being called to die to myself daily and it is so hard!

I do have a funny story about trying to get my haircut at the salon. Oh, the vanity!

I took baby E with me, making an appointment for a time when I thought that she would be pleasant. Not so much! She was tired on the way there and was yawning when we got there. She hung out in her car seat during the hair wash but started to get fussy when I got back the chair. I took her out and she had the biggest poop ever! So, I took her back to the restroom to change her before my cut. She totally screamed then proceeded to pee all over the floor, her onesie and the dry diaper I was trying to put on her. I got her cleaned up (but didn't have any extra clothes). We got back the chair and I held her for awhile but then when it got time for the blow dry, she screamed again. I got a partial dry and tried to pay as fast as I could and just get out of there! What a waste of $30.

Okay, I get it, don't take baby to the salon! I have a feelers out for a sitter and hope to get something established a couple days a month for a couple hours so I can do appointments like this without baby. I can't really rely on my husband because his hours are so long and during his early days I am trying to work a little. I guess I am a slow learner!

Life as definitely slowed down since having baby E. She brings a calmness to our household and a regular schedule. It feels so good. For the most part, we are a happy family. Some days are harder than others (or weeks, baby E got up at 5 AM for 7 days in a row). Having her in our lives has helped us to weed our the unnecessary things and events in our lives. We are trying to make decisions on what is best for our little family and those other activities will just have to wait.

Are You Working?

I get this question everytime I am out in public with little Ella. My comment is "no, I stay home." I have the privledge of being home with her full time. I am so humbled and honored that I get to do this. It is interesting to me how people react to me. Some career women don't have anything to say to me. Some comment, "That is how it should be" and others just say, "good for you." I read somewhere that only 10% of women stay home. How surprising! I am sure there are many reasons for this.

Staying home with Ella is a very fulfilling experience for me. As a young professional, before having Ella, I was conflicted on whether or not I would go back to work. Maybe if I had had children when I was younger, I might have wanted to continue to work. But, for now, I am completely content being at home with Ella.

Yesterday at mass, I saw a school nurse that I used to work with, and she was the first one to ask me, "So, do you get to stay home?" And, this was the best way someone has asked me yet.